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Posted by Chariots_Rise on Wed 9 Dec 2009 to The_Slave_Forum

I've never had any angst regarding myself and M/s; i've long and long been happy, comfortable and secure in my knowledge of myself as slave.

I've been known to say, here on IC and in life, that being slave is simply who i am, an integral part of me, my nature and my life. To deny being slave would be like trying to deny that my eyes are brown, i have said.

Finally, for the first time ever, i'm not happy with this fundamental part of myself.

I've long accepted that being slave means being vulnerable, for want of a better word. I couldn't be slave and not give of myself, not bare myself: it's the nature of the beast.

Sometimes it doesn't work out as we'd thought or hoped; that happens to us all: we get back up, learn from the experience, go forward.

I find myself not wanting to do it any more. In fact, the very thought of serving makes me feel physically sick.

I don't need to list all the negative experiences i've had, most of you will have had similar experiences at one time or another. Not all are obvious liars and cheats though, and the design flaw with trust is that you only discover that it's misplaced when it's too late.

There is clearly a huge disparity between what i understand as M/s, and what they understand it to mean. There's a lot more of them than there are of me though, so i'm re-evaluating and considering that old line about whether everyone else can be wrong.

I don't generally mind being in a minority: for one reason and another it's pretty much always been that way for me. I'm no longer happy or comfortable though, being such a minority even within a minority.

I don't think i can do this any more. I don't want to do this any more.

How on earth do i stop being me?

The South-Dorset munch is here

Reply by Eternallee on Wed 9 Dec 2009

You don't, you just change a part of who you are to fit your new beliefs. The thing about life is, we change and adapt to it. Life experiences can change us, fundamentally. Just because you no longer enjoy what used to be a big part of your life, does not mean that you are a different person, just that your tastes have changed.

I used to go to church every week, i read scripture every day and prayed as often as i could every day. I beleive in God and i understood th escriptures with ease. The church was my life and my lifestyle. Until i became unhappy. I questioned my self very minute of every day, until i admitted that although i still believed, i just didn't want to live it any more. Now i am here, walking this path and this journey, as far as it will take mne, which could be a few weeks, a few years or a few decades.

Don't remain unhappy and cling to the misery, because it is comfortable and what you know. There is more to your self than you realise, maybe its time to explore those other aspects of your personality until, if such a time arises you come back to yourself. We are, after all, multifaceted and have hidden depths.

Reply by Imagination42 on Thu 10 Dec 2009

Good morning OP Its good you have sat down and decided to tell anyone who reads how you feel. From an evaluation point of view on my part , there must have been a significnt thought either dormant in your mind or some act or thought that has come about in the immediate pastto motivate this posting . If you were previously happy with slave and your feeling and being slave and now your not what has changed this balance so significantly, and with so much attitude.

It is not for me to evaluate you more you to evaluate your decision, and is it right for you to adjust your self rather than alter the forces changing you . Many of us are self assured and minority numbers but we do what we believe in because thats us. When we do as we see fit and when it comes right we know it was the best we could have done, in the circumstance.

I think that if your going to change the you, that you are because of someone else's attitude toward you, you need to be very sure that the new you is going to be satisfied with the result you acheive.

In saying that maybe this is the moment you need to re establish who you are going to be for the next part of your life , look at it a bit like being made redundant in your work.It forces the person to re address their real needs and opportunities.I don't want that comment to sound negative I hope you can find the ground that suits you best as a result of your current situation.

Before making harsh and sweeping judgementsand inflicting them on yourself let the dust settle and your thoughts have time to consider the real you and your needs and how to best balance them. Regards Imagination X

An interesting mind is an open mind and an honest mind .

Reply by Adverse_Camber on Sat 12 Dec 2009

The only true constant is change...let yourself be, take time, care for and about yourself. Thinking of you x

"Show me what it's like to be the last one standing; Teach me wrong from right- I'll show you all I can be"

Reply by kaoskitten on Tue 22 Dec 2009

From one slave to another...what you are is beautiful, truly know that, please don't let negative experiences detract from your nature or desire, what you are is natural and can never be taken away from you...that's what makes you beautiful... Huge Hugs

kitten xx

Bind me, gag me, beat me and make me yours