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Question on Mentors

Posted by Zarabeth on Sun 30 Aug 2009 to The_Slave_Forum

Hello everyone! I am new on this forum, and to the UK scene (though I was fairly active in the Houston scene for 6 years before moving here).

I had begun a search for a relationship that, for me, would represent a significantly deeper level of submission than I have experienced before. Whilst I have chatted with a couple of people whom I felt had much to offer, I found it a lonely and isolating process as I missed the support network I had in Houston.

I therefore decided to suspend my search for the time being and focus on getting to know the UK scene and making friends here. It also occurred to me to seek out a Mentor first who could advise me while I am looking for the right relationship.

I would like to ask about others' experiences with Mentors - have you tried going this route and how did it work? Do people feel that a Mentor should reflect the person I am seeking (ie a dominant male in my case) or the person I would like to be (a submissive)? Any other thoughts on Mentors in general?


Reply by tails_SB on Sun 30 Aug 2009

Hi and welcome :)

There was a list of people willing to be mentors on another site, but on this one the (safe) conclusion has always been that no one knows who makes a good mentor.

I love the idea of having a mentor in a BDSM sense, and I do at least have someone to look up to as far as this is concerned. In a broader sense I think that it could also work well, as long as you choose wisely :)

Good luck,



Reply by Adverse_Camber on Sun 6 Sep 2009

Thank you for an excellent post!

My opinion is that mentors are a brilliant idea in theory...a knowledgeable person who can guide you safely through the considerable landmines in a way that has only your interests as a priority...I would have truly benefitted from someone like that a year ago, when I was all brand-new.

In reality, I wonder how many people out there are able to do that? How do you avoid manipulators/sharks/complete nutters? My considered advice would be to make friends within this Forum and on I.C. in general...people you can trust and respect and whose opinions you value. Then use them as sounding boards, share what you are unsure of...listen carefully. And then listen again!!!

Read...lots...on here and other BDSM personal favourite is, but there is a wealth of info out there. Track the boards, bookmark people like Degenerate, Ms_Valentine, IndelibleMarker, and numerous others who post on the D/s M/s board, as they seem to appreciate the value of respect and care.

The_Slave_Forum is a safe place to post if you want online help from like-minded people, as only those with an interest/understanding of M/s can post here, so you will not be flamed.

Take care and have fun...welcome to T_S_F. x

"I know I could always be good to One who'll watch over me"

Reply by Zarabeth on Fri 9 Oct 2009

Thank you both for the replies - it appears that not many have used mentors! ;)

I actually have a found a good friend in the UK scene that I consider a Mentor, but at the same time, I do not adopt his opinions wholesale. I always listen to his views (and to the views of people he introduces me to), carefully weigh up the risks, and then make my own decisions. Sometimes he approves, and sometimes not - but I have at least gotten a balanced set of views before deciding, and I take responsibility for my own choices, so it works for me.


"Every day is another chance to turn it all around."