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Today's News: Depraved Killer Pervert

Posted by blacksheepboy on Fri 23 Jan 2009 to blacksheepboy's blog

In the news today:

Philately: should we stamp it out?

Violated bodies

At the Old Bailey today, Lord Justice Flogham handed down a life sentence to David McBastard, the man found guilty of the infamous 'postage stamp murders'. In a three-year reign of terror, McBastard murdered eight young women in his home town of Shitehaven. The judge remarked on the particularly gruesome nature of the killings, as the victims' naked and violated bodies were left completely covered in postage stamps. The coroner had recorded asphyxia as the cause of death in each instance, due to the victim's airways being blocked by the stamps. Justice Flogham, summing up, declared that McBastard was a 'particularly sick' individual and rejected the defence's claim that he had simply 'gone postal'.

Depravity

Details have now emerged of the dark and twisted fantasy world McBastard had built up over many years. As a young boy, it was already clear that he had an 'unnatural interest' in postage stamps, according to a former teacher. Police had found copies of the Stanley Gibbons catalogue in his home after his arrest, along with thousands of images of stamps from around the world on his hard drive. McBastard's former girlfriend, Penny Black, also told of how he often asked to 'lick her back side'. A forensic psychologist has stated that his obsession with stamp collecting almost certainly led McBastard to kill, saying “Men of this kind are very rarely satisfied by merely observing stamps online, or in their own albums. This only feeds their hunger for greater depravity.”

Disgusting

Politicians of all parties are now calling for an immediate ban on stamp collecting, in response to a support group set up by the victims' families. The tearful mother of one of the victims said “If it wasn't for stamp collecting, my daughter would be alive today. I know they say there's no proof to link philately with brutal sex attacks, but all I know is that McBastard was still collecting stamps and going online in philatelic forums right up to the day he murdered my daughter. They say the majority of people can engage in perfectly harmless stamp collecting. Well, I'm sorry but what may be 'harmless fun' to some can turn others into brutal monsters, and if there's any possibility of that whatsoever, then we must put a stop to this disgusting, dirty and immoral activity, even if it means spoiling the so-called fun of a few so-called 'harmless' people.” A proposed new law to ban online stamp collecting has already been drafted by Labour's Morality Secretary, Harriet Tightbottom.

Sexual Arousal

A spokesperson for the online forum 'Informed Philately' is quoted as saying “This new law is so badly worded that thousands of ordinary philatelists would be criminalised. We welcome the addition of a clause allowing people to have stamps for private use. However, it would be very difficult to prove that someone has downloaded images of stamps for purposes other than sexual arousal. Indeed, many of us do get highly aroused by looking at pictures of postage stamps, and we see nothing wrong in that. Stamps are part of mainstream culture, you see them on letters every day, and many normal couples like to collect stamps as part of a loving relationship.”

Filth

But maybe it's time we stopped listening to potential sex offenders and perverted sexual deviants. The victims of stamp-collecting fiends have been silent for long enough. Join us in our campaign to rid Britain of this perverted filth, NOW!

What's the point having cake, if you can't eat it?

Reply by just_six on Fri 23 Jan 2009

Wonderful, gave me a real chuckle!!

Reply by Scribbles on Fri 23 Jan 2009

Disgusting!

Reply by electricfog on Fri 23 Jan 2009

He really should have known better: philately gets you nowhere.

Reply by Prunesquallor on Fri 23 Jan 2009

Bloody philatelists - they are the scum of the earth, and they should be slowly tortured to death.

Reply by MarcusStrapp on Fri 23 Jan 2009

We've probably all indulged in a bit philately at some point in our past. Who of us has not licked a stamp at some point? But, I think under the circumstances it would be sensible to take steps to protect this site from falling foul of the proposed legislation. Perhaps we should all resubmit our pictures to ensure they do not show images of extreme philately. Can't be too careful.

The Fetish Photo Album A free and private flickr group for IC members to share dirty pictures!

Reply by newfavourite on Fri 23 Jan 2009

I collect stamps, I admit. But only so that I can piss all over the queen's face in the privacy of my own home. That's not so wrong is it?

Ceci N'est Pas Une Submissive

Reply by larra_uk on Fri 23 Jan 2009

Brilliant, laughed my socks off. I read it out to my mother and then had to explain what you were parodying(sp?)

eeeek!

larra x

Reply by blacksheepboy on Fri 23 Jan 2009 (modified Sat 24 Jan 2009)

Scribbles wrote:
Disgusting!

I take that as the highest accolade, coming from you.

I must here confess that I too built up a substantial stamp collection (in my wilder days). Anyone fancy coming round to see them (I might even let you touch them)? I have no intention of getting rid of any of my lovely stamps. Even if I must become a martyr, I shall defy this oppressive new law.

What's the point having cake, if you can't eat it?

Reply by blacksheepboy on Fri 23 Jan 2009 (modified Sat 24 Jan 2009)

newfavourite wrote:
I collect stamps, I admit. But only so that I can piss all over the queen's face in the privacy of my own home. That's not so wrong is it?

Indeed not. Although I do feel sorry for your postman. Personally, I like to lick her before pounding her face repeatedly with my fist. :-p

What's the point having cake, if you can't eat it?

Reply by Minstrel on Sat 24 Jan 2009

Oh good, an unlocked computer. I can use this to hide my real identity and frame a poor innocent bystander who has no interest in these sorts of things.

The answer to philateliphobic legislation such as this is simply to seek satisfaction abroad. There are known stamp-havens in the less developed parts of South East Asia where philatelophiles can live out in the open without fear of charges of indecency or underpaid postage.

There are even sites online allowing you to shop online for something to meet your exotic tastes. I myself was unable to choose but was assured that purchasing more than one was far from unusual and that neither would object, even if pressed onto the same envelope.

Reply by blacksheepboy on Sat 24 Jan 2009

There are even sites online allowing you to shop online for something to meet your exotic tastes.

Error 404 URL not found.

Uh-oh. It seems the clampdown has begun in earnest. =-o

What's the point having cake, if you can't eat it?

Reply by Degenerate on Tue 27 Jan 2009

OHH!!! I laughed so hard it made me choke when I read this. What a hilarious parody! Love it, thanks for sharing!

De

COME TO THE PROTEST ON SUNDAY! http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/posts/221819/0 Sign up to CAAN's statement - http://www.caan.org.uk

Sing if you're glad to be Gay... http://cockerel.net/music/pitd/gtbg.mp3 (Tom Robinson Band).

Reply by blacksheepboy on Tue 27 Jan 2009

Thanks De, and everyone. Thanks also to everyone who protested on Sunday. Unfortunately, I didn't hear about it until too late (my own fault). And I was being held captive (consensually!) by a beautiful, wicked and wanton witch, practising what we preach! ;)

A thousand years of being ruled by idiots has given the British a taste for satire (aka 'taking the piss'). Long may we continue to take the piss out of stupid laws, stupid governments, stupid wars ... and all the other stupid things that blight our lives.

ETA: I should say that I'm not into the more extreme forms of philately myself, but I do believe it is the fundamental right of an Englishman (or anyone actually) to stick postage stamps on their bits if that's what they want to do, even if it leads to a perforated anus.

What's the point having cake, if you can't eat it?

Reply by mq1965 on Tue 27 Jan 2009

newfavourite wrote:
I collect stamps, I admit. But only so that I can piss all over the queen's face in the privacy of my own home. That's not so wrong is it?

She might really like it, but because of the unfortunate circumstances of her birth never have the chance to indulge herself.

Reply by grahamm on Tue 27 Jan 2009

All I can say is:

HELP STAMP OUT PHILATELY!

Reply by Degenerate on Wed 28 Jan 2009

blacksheepboy... hope you don't mind that I've shared your blog with half the planet! :-D

De

Sign up to CAAN's statement - http://www.caan.org.uk

Sing if you're glad to be Gay... http://cockerel.net/music/pitd/gtbg.mp3 (Tom Robinson Band).

Reply by done_with_wondering on Wed 28 Jan 2009

You've got to laugh or cry. Thanks for helping us laugh.

Reply by DarkLordDredd on Wed 28 Jan 2009

BURN THE LOCAL POST OFFICES! Thats where these freaks get their first stamps, then we'll lynch the postman for delivering letters with stamps on that could influence our children! REMEMBER THE CHILDRENNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

Never ever accused of knowingly ever doing anything nice! :-p